If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
