Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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