also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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