Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
