Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
