If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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