hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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