I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
