If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
