I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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