I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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