Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
