i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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