Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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