Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
