she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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