Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
