you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize