We named our party play list daddy issues
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
