i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just gargled with NyQuil
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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