I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
