I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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