If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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