Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
