What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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