dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
