It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
