Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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