Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Please don't give away my fajitas
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