She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
