I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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