Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
