Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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