I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
