non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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