id be glad to
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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