Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
