You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
