i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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