I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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