I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
