I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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