My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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