I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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