I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
