I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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