Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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