Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
