I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
