Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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