I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
